


Revenge Is Actually a 5 Dollar Box from Popeyes

by songinthestars



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Romance, and it manifests physically, but it ends well, but its not as fulfilling as she thinks, its sad yall, she learns about herself, she's got complicated emotions, the warden finally gets her revenge, to the fade we go to save her
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-12 01:39:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19218991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/songinthestars/pseuds/songinthestars
Summary: If revenge is supposed to be a dish best served cold, then why is she the one left cold and empty on the inside?After the death of Howe, Amalah Cousland feels nothing at all, and she can't understand why.





	1. When Life Hurts Just Collapse in Your Lover's Arms

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a year since I've written anything at all, so don't judge me too much. I was just proud of myself for getting this out and wanted to share it with the world. This one's highlighting a moment that I think shoulda been emphasized more in game, and I wanted to explore how my warden would react. Spoiler alert: not good. Her name's Amalah and she feels way too much yall.

They're finally out of the goddamn dungeons and Amalah is tired. She's more than tired. There was a bone deep exhaustion that ate at her, refusing to let her find any joy at having completed their mission, freeing the queen from that son of a bitch Howe’s clutches. 

Bastard finally got what he deserved.

She finally was able to avenge her family, give them the peace they deserve. She killed that bastard in cold blood and she'd do it all over again if she had to. She knew that she would never find closure unless he died at her blade. So then, why is there a sense of apathy tugging at her senses? She doesn't feel at peace, she just feels...empty. Was all that was driving her to move forward was her need for revenge? Does she have anything left to keep her going? The realization that she doesn't startles her, leaves her reeling.

She stumbles slightly as the world shifts and blurs. She's far too numb to anything but the cold realization that's gripped her to notice the concerned look that Alistair shoots her.

She doesn't remember the person she was before her revenge. 

“-malah?” 

Is someone saying something? She can't tell. The world feels a million miles away and it's becoming a struggle to focus on putting one foot in front of the other. But she keeps going. Can't ever stop moving forward. Need to press on.

She’s determined to leave this hellhole under her own power - even if it hurts, even if she can't breathe for the suffocating feeling that she can't remember who she is - so she's completely surprised when she runs into a solid chest and almost falls on her ass. Warm hands catch her and help her keep her balance, and she looks into the warm amber eyes of Alistair, who’s looking at her with so much concern and love that it breaks her almost immediately.

The world spins violently and she collapses in Alistair’s arms. 

\---

She hasn't said a word since they left the palace, and it's setting off five different alarms in Alistair’s head. His love was always talking, if not to him than one of their companions. She always had some advice to give or even just a funny quip, but now she's totally silent and he's worried. She just killed the man that killed her family and while he knew that she wouldn't be her usual self after something like that, he didn't expect her to be so...disconnected.

He tries calling out to her. No response.

So now he's more than worried. Right. Okay. No time to panic. Time for plan B.

He steps in front of her, hoping that she’ll notice and acknowledge the world outside of whatever personal hell she’s in. She runs into him and almost falls instead. On instinct, he reaches out to steady her, and when he catches the look in her eyes, he feels his heart breaking in two.

The look in her eyes is completely vacant. It chills him to the bone and he wants to take her away from here and never come back. She looks up at him, and he didn’t think it was possible but his heart breaks even further as the vacant look in her eyes shifts to one of such agony that it hurts him to look at her. He tries to say something, anything, but her eyes roll to the back of her head and he has to catch her from hitting the ground as she collapses.

Well, now, it’s definitely time to panic.

The others -- Morrigan and Leliana -- are immediately on alert, and filled with concern.

Leliana rushes over to them and checks Amalah for unnoticed injuries. “Was she more injured than she let on? What happened?” She looks at Alistair for answers, but it’s hard to vocalize what he saw in Amalah in those few minutes.

“Obviously, she has spread herself too thin. Now step aside and let me heal our dear Warden.”

For once, he’s grateful for Morrigan’s domineering attitude, but he doesn’t think that it’ll work. It’s not a physical injury that’s keeping Amalah unconscious but he’s desperate and terrified enough to let her try anyway.

Morrigan performs the spell, and they all await anxiously for Amalah to open her eyes and continue on.

Nothing happens.

Morrigan’s eyes are wide in surprise, and Leliana gasps in fear.

He has to tell them. 

“I, um, I don’t think it’s anything physical keeping her unconscious. She - I don’t think she wants to be awake currently. I think - it hurts too much for her to be awake.”

The admission tears at him. All he wants is to be able to protect her always, but there’s no way to protect her from her own fears and pain. All he can do is be there for here, and let her know that she’s loved.

“What exactly do you mean by that, Alistair?”

Leliana is looking at him with furrowed brows, and he takes a deep breath and tries to explain what exactly he saw when he looked at Amalah.

“When she looked at me, she - she wasn’t here. Her body is here, obviously, but I couldn’t see any of the woman I love when I looked in her eyes. She was already far gone. We need to get back to camp until we figure out exactly what it is that’s hurting her so deeply.”

Morrigan sighs. “And here I thought I’d never see the day where I’d actually agree with you, but I guess miracles do happen.”

Alistair just rolls his eyes in response. “Anyway, we should get going before daylight is over.”

He cradles Amalah closer to his chest, presses a kiss to her clammy forehead, and starts walking.

\---

They’re finally back at camp, and everyone is immediately alert at the sight of Amalah being cradled against Alistair, completely unconscious.

Wynne is the first to rush over, apprehension written all over her face. “Does she need healing? What happened?”

Alistair sighs. “It's..rather complicated.” He goes on to explain everything that happened in the dungeons and their subsequent escape from said dungeons. As he’s talking, he notices that Wynne’s features are painted with compassion and understanding but the fear and worry is still buried under there.

He has to ask. “You know what’s happened to her, don’t you?”

She smiles sadly at him and nods. “When the mind is under great peril, it will do everything it can to protect itself, even if it means shutting down. Her body and mind were under so much pressure that she couldn’t handle it anymore, and so fell unconscious.”

Alistair takes in a shaky breath, and tries to lighten the mood. “Good to know. Not reassuring in the slightest, but at least the suspense is gone. Too dramatic for my tastes.”

He knows he’s not fooling anyone if the look Wynne is giving him is any indication.

“Do not fear, dearheart. She will awaken. It is only temporary, however, this is not something that I or any of the others can help with. She needs you most of all.”

This time the smile Wynne gives him is less troubled and the relief he feels is enough to bring him to his knees.

“Right. I’m gonna go now. I’ll stay with her, I promise.”

It’ll take an arch-demon to move him from her side.

\---

Everyone knows that he and Amalah are together, but he still feels a blush rise to his face as he crosses camp and enters her tent. He shouldn’t still be so embarrassed -- they’ve spent the night together and there’s no way everyone doesn’t know about that, they were pretty loud after all -- but there’s something intimate about being in Amalah’s space that makes him bashful.

Nevertheless, he’s here to make sure his love can find the rest she needs and deserves and he won’t let his own reticence get in the way of that. He lays her down, and goes about getting her out of her armor, and if his face is as red as her hair then that’s his business and no one else’s.

She’s still so stunning to him, her brown skin reflecting the moonlight, giving her an ethereal glow, and if he didn’t know any better, he’d say that she was simply sleeping. But there’s a tightness across her brow, and a shallow quality to her breaths that lets him know that everything is far from peaceful. There’s grime and dirt all over her body and it pains him to know that she’d hate the state she was in if she were aware of it, and the thought is enough to make him grab a washcloth and a pail of water and try to get rid of what he can.

He hopes it’s enough.

After he’s done, he removes his own armor, and settles in next to her and braces himself for a long vigil. He presses a lingering kiss to her temple, and whispers his love for her and prays that she knows, that she hears him.

He stays awake for as long as he can, but eventually exhaustion takes its toll, and he falls into a fitful sleep.


	2. Sweet Dreams are Made of This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Amalah dreams, Alistair panics, and we all just bite our nails and hope for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I been on a roll yall! And I'm gonna be honest the next couple of chapters I'm bullshittin some stuff so don't judge meeee

She’s dreaming. She knows she’s dreaming, but the knowledge doesn’t keep her heart from pounding painfully in her chest at the sight of her family alive and real in front of her. She’s back in Highever, and it’s like nothing ever happened to them. Her mother is watching over her nephew as he plays in the gardens, and she can see her sister walking through the castle grounds talking to her father.

It’s all so serene and picturesque that it makes her heart ache. This is not a life that belongs to her anymore. The Fade is such a cruel place, but...she wants to stay here just a little longer. Even if it’s not real, even if when she wakes up she’ll have to face that once again, she wants to be someone’s baby girl just one more time. So, when her mother calls out to her to join her in the gardens, she doesn’t hesitate.

She pretends not to notice the eerie smile that adorns her mother’s face.

It’ll all be alright when she wakes up.

“I’ll be right there, Mother!” She sprints over to where her nephew is, and her mother’s smile widens.

Maker, but she’s missed this so much. Her nephew was always such a bundle of energy, and it feels good to have these moments with him again. They’re playing pretend - she’s a fierce dragon, and he’s the mighty warrior who’s destined to slay her - and it brings such a tender feeling in her chest, and it feels like she never left.

Left? She never left...or at least she doesn’t think she did.

The feeling that she’s forgetting something washes over her, but she shrugs it off and decides to think on it later.

For now, though, it is time for dinner, and she can’t wait to have her sister’s famous beef stew. A sensation of home washes over Amalah and the feeling brings a smile to her face.

She takes her nephew’s hand and leads him to the washroom so they can both wash up for dinner.

Oren smiles up at her and swings their clasped hands as they walk, saying, “I’m really glad you’re here, Auntie Ama. You should stay with us forever.”

Amalah feels her heart clench. “I would like that a lot, Oren. I never want to be separated from you all again.”

Again?

Once again, the feeling that she’s not remembering something important is nagging at Amalah, but the feeling drifts away from her again as she joins her family in the dining room.

This feeling, this sense of belonging is all Amalah ever wanted and needed, and she thinks that maybe things are alright after all.

\---

Alistair is not sure what wakes him, but his senses are on high alert and he knows something is terribly wrong. His first thought is Amalah, that maybe something changed while he was sleeping. He looks over to her and his heart drops to his feet. Her expression has changed into one that’s more relaxed, and she’s smiling. He knows that this could only mean trouble, and with fear in his heart and mind, he tries desperately to wake her once more.

He clutches her close to his chest, and shakes her gently.

“Amalah, love, please. I need you to open your eyes.” His voice is trembling, but he can’t even self-conscious about it when she’s still so terribly limp in his arms. Her eyes are completely still behind her eyelids, and when he presses an ear to her chest to check for her heartbeat, it’s slower than it should be, and her chest his barely rising with each breath she takes.

His heartbeat shoots through the roof, and he’s putting her back down, and tripping on his own two feet to get to Wynne and fast. Amalah may not make it through the night at this rate.

He gets to Wynne’s tent, and impropriety be damned, he walks straight in and shakes her awake.

He only feels a little guilty at the way she startles awake.

“Alistair, what-”

“Please, you have to help her. I- she’s - her heart - I don’t know what to do.”

“Just calm down, Alistair. Take a deep breath, everything will be alright. I am going to assume this has to do with Amalah.”

He doesn’t trust himself to speak without tears, so he just nods.

Wynne only shakes her head. “I should have expected something like this. I am sorry, my dear boy, for not warning you of the possibility that something like this could occur. We need to wake everyone. The situation has become dire, and our fearless leader’s life is in very real danger.”

“Possibility of what? What is happening to her?” He’s deathly afraid of the answer.

“She’s been taken in by demons.”

Ah. Of course. Demons.

He wants to cry. His fearless, indomitable, kind Amalah, taken in by the lies of demons all because of one man’s treachery. He wishes he could kill Howe all over again.

\---

Between Wynne and Alistair, the camp is awakened in record time, and now they’re discussing the situation at hand. He hates that he even has to call it a situation; he just wants to see Amalah’s beautiful brown eyes again. He feels a little better now that she’s back in his arms, but never before has he thought of Amalah as someone fragile; she always seemed so larger than life to him, but looking at her now, struggling to breathe and consciousness being slowly sapped away, she feels small and he wants to protect her for the rest of his days.

He isn’t really paying attention to the conversation being had between Morrigan and Wynne, but he does catch his name being mentioned and that brings him back to the present.

“-clearly Alistair should be the one. He’s the one of us most likely to be able to bring her back.”

“I agree. We all obviously love her, but he’s the one her heart responds to most.”

He cuts in. “Sorry, but what is it exactly that I should obviously be doing?”

Leliana gently fills him in. “We decided it would be best if you entered the Fade with either Wynne or Morrigan and saved Amalah. We figured you would want to be the one anyway.”  
She’s not wrong, but it would also kill him if he had to let go of her, but he guesses that he can’t have everything, so he nods in agreement. “I need to be the one. I - she needs to know that there are people still that love her.”

He can’t fail her again. And that’s the worst of it, isn’t it? Because he knows that he has failed her, and the guilt of that is slowly eating at him. He vows that he won’t ever let this happen again.

He sighs deeply. “So. When and how are we doing this?”

Morrigan is the one who answers. “From the looks of things, we have about ten days before she is totally gone from us. So as to when, the answer is as soon as possible. As far as how, we’ve already sent the envoy for the mages to request backup from the circle. They should be here in about two days’ time, and I think I can save us all some unnecessary dramatics by assuming you would rather travel with Wynne in order to do this, so let’s just get on with it shall we?”

She’s still the same as ever, and honestly it makes him smile a little. “Well, I certainly won’t argue with you on that.”

“You? Not arguing? Wonders never cease.”

Just like that, the moment of appreciation he had for her is gone. “Anyway, I guess all we can do is wait for now.”

He feels like the waiting might just kill him before the Blight does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And things are getting worse lads! But dont worry, they'll get better. Eventually.


	3. A Sweet Dream or a Beautiful Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Either way, I don't wanna wake up from you. Things get a little brazy for our lovers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, you just gotta hurt your favorite characters. That's all I gotta say.

Amalah doesn’t think she’s been this happy in quite some time. The weather has been fantastic, so her family’s decided to take a day trip to their lake, and it’s been so long since she’s been swimming that she can’t help her excitement.

She tells Oriana as much. “It’s been awhile since I’ve swam, but you won’t make fun of me too much, will you, dear sister of mine?”

Oriana just laughs at her. “Only if you don’t make fun of me in return.”

Amalah giggles. “Tell you what, we’ll support each other and hopefully spare ourselves some embarrassment.”

“Sounds like a plan to me.”

She laughs again, and she feels lighter than she has in a while. Freer, like she could fly. If only her companions were here, then everything would be perfect.

Companions?

Her brows furrow as she tries to think of who else she could possibly need other than her family. Brown eyes flash in her mind, and she thinks she might finally remember what it is that she’s forgetting but she’s startled out of her musings as a small human missile slams into her.

“Auntie Ama, everyone’s waiting on you! Come on!” Oren takes her by the hand and starts pulling her to where the rest of their family is waiting, and she lets herself be lead away, laughing all the while.

Maybe whatever it is she’s forgetting can wait just a bit longer.

All she knows is that she never wants this feeling to fade. She’s home.

When they return back to the castle, she’s content. She’s ready to bathe and head off to bed, and await whatever tomorrow will bring for her and her family. She heads off to her chambers and quickly cleans her body, not realizing how exhausted the day has truly made her. She guesses that she had too much of a good time today, after all. She can’t bring herself to regret it though. As her head hits her pillow, she enters a deep sleep, and for once, there are no dreams.

She can’t wait for tomorrow to come.

\---

Waiting the two days for the mages to show up is probably the most nerve-wracking period of time in Alistair’s life, and that’s including the time he was shipped off to the Chantry. He never strays too far from Amalah’s side, and she hasn’t moved a muscle -- he swears he sees her facial expression change once, but it comes and goes too quickly for him to be sure -- and honestly he can’t tell if that’s a good thing or a bad thing at this point. All he knows is that he’s a nervous wreck, and he really wants to stab something. Possibly someone. He can’t be too sure right now.

The rest of his companions are faring no better than he is. Leliana can’t stop pacing, Zevran is more sarcastic than usual, Morrigan tries to hide it but he notices how she keeps making excuses to make her way near to Amalah.

For all that he had his doubts about this ragtag group of companions, he’s grateful for how much they all visibly care about Amalah. It makes him feel rather guilty about his jealousy of her and Leliana’s relationship. They’re obviously close and he can tell this is eating at her just as much as it is him. He should..do something. Talk to her or something. Amalah is so much better at the pep talk thing than he is but he owes it to the both of them to try.

He walks over to where she’s still pacing, and calls out to her. “Leliana?”

She startles, and stops her pacing to look at him. “Oh, Alistair. Is something wrong?”

“No. Not necessarily, I just wanted to maybe see how you were doing. I know that you two - I know you really care for her, and I just thought I’d check up on you.”

Her smile is wistful. “Yes, I guess that’s true, isn’t it? I hate that this is happening to her. Of all people, she deserves this the least.”

“You're right about that. I wish that murderous bastard Howe was alive just so I could kill him again.”

That wrests a slight chuckle from Leliana. “You are not the only one that wishes that.”

A serious look crosses her face then. “Alistair, I need you to promise me something.”

“Of course.”

“So easily agreed. I can see why she would fall for you.”

“I -”

“No, it's okay. I’ve come to terms with it. I just - promise me that when she comes out of this that you'll take care of her, no matter what happens. No matter what she thinks or says, she loves you. Remember that.”

He's curious about that last statement but he knows now is not the time to ask. Instead he makes another promise. “I promise you, no matter what.”

“Good. All I wish for is her happiness,” the next part is whispered so low he almost doesn't catch it, “even if it's not with me.”

His heart clenches in his chest, and he wants to hug her, but he thinks she just might stab him, so he keeps to himself.

Instead he places a hand on her shoulder, and says, “You should go spend some time with her. Talk to her. I think she might be able to still hear us.”

Leliana’s eyes widen in surprise, then soften. “Yes, I think I'll do that…..Thank you, Alistair.”

“Oh, it was nothing. I'll just be over here if you need me.”

He walks away feeling like maybe things aren’t all bad.

\---

The mages have finally arrived, and the tension that’s been plaguing them all seems to lift a little. Inaction suits none of them, so finally getting the chance to go out and do something to help their friend feels like relief. It feels like they can finally go out and make a difference. They waste no time in getting everything setup, and soon enough Wynne approaches him.

“Are you ready for this, Alistair? What we come across may be difficult to deal with.”

He’s more than ready. “Even if it’s difficult, I just want her back. We can deal with whatever comes afterward.”

“As long as you are sure.”

“I’m more than sure.”

“Alright then. Let us go then.”

Together they approach the mages that are gathered in a circle, and with a nod to let them know that they’re ready, magical energy begins to gather around them, and suddenly, they’re in an entirely different world.

The only word to describe the place they’ve been transported to is serene. It’s still the Fade - there’s a sickly green aura that covers everything - but if he didn’t know any better, he’d think it was just another region in Ferelden. 

The realization that this must be the place where Amalah grew up hits him like a ton of bricks, and he's starting to think Wynne was right. This is going to be difficult. He's going to have to break the love of his life’s heart.

They're currently at the castle entrance, and though he is aware that they're on a mission, he can’t help but let his thoughts wander. He can imagine in his mind a tiny Amalah running through these halls, with practice sword in hand, already determined to become the formidable woman she is today. It brings a smile to his face, while also making his heart ache that much more. This is going to be really difficult. 

He sighs, squares his shoulders, and walks into the main hall. He catches the worried look Wynne shoots him, but chooses to ignore it. He knows what he's gotten himself into and he's willing to see it through to the end.

The halls are mostly silent as they move through, on high alert in case any demons are nearby. They get to the family room, when they hear giggling coming from the inside. 

It makes his heart stop, because he knows that laughter. Knows that only true happiness brings out that particular laugh, and he takes a shuddering breath as he walks through the doors because he knows this is it. This is the moment where he breaks both of their hearts to save her. He prays it's enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time you can look forward to bitter grief, survivor's guilt, and Amalah running away from her emotions. Somebody send Alistair a cookie. He's gonna need it.


	4. Life Hurts and There's No Warning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the nightmare's over but reality comes back to bite. be like that sometimes. here's to hoping amalah knows how to properly process her emotions. (spoiler: she doesn't)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :))))

Amalah is having a wonderful conversation with her father; they don't talk about anything major, just inane, insubstantial things but it gives her such a good feeling to be here that it doesn't even matter. They could be talking about the sky being green and she would go along with it because this is the man she admires and respects above all, and talking to him feels like a balm to her soul.   


The doors are suddenly opened, and a man walks through, and he feels _familiar._ The woman behind him also feels like someone she knows. They both feel familiar enough that she hesitates in pulling her sword out. She keeps her grip on the hilt firm, just in case. Her mother didn't raise a fool, after all.   


“Excuse me, but do I know you?” She needs to know why her heart is screaming at the sight of them.   


The man’s eyes are full of pain, and he opens his mouth to speak, but her father interrupts.

“Neither of you belong here! Exit my home immediately!”

The woman scoffs. “You would say such a thing.” She then looks at Amalah, and her heart is crying out. “Dearest, you know that things aren't as they seem.”

“I- I don't know what you’re talking about.”

Her father's face is furious. “Nonsense is all it is! Don't listen to anything they have to say!” His voice gets gentler as he wraps an arm around her shoulders. “You belong here with us, pup. You know this to be true.”

Her eyes shift between her father and the man whose eyes haven't left her for a second, whose eyes she  _ remembers.  _ “I  _ do _ belong here with you all, father, but-”

“Then send them away at once.”

At this, the man walks up to her. His eyes, so brown, so warm, are so very sad.

“Amalah. Love. Please come with us.  _ Please. _ ”

“But - my family -”

“They're dead. You're trapped in the Fade. This? It's not real. Just some pretend fantasy shown to you by demons in order to keep you here.”

Amalah takes a step back, tears starting to form in her eyes. “You're lying! Tell him he's lying, father!

Even as she's asking this, she can see the man start to tremble in front of her. It makes apprehension crawl in her skin.   


Her father wraps her in his arms. “Of course dearest. Do I look like a demon to you?” She shakes her head no.   


“But then, why do I feel like I know them? Like I want to be with them?”

“It's all in your imagination, pup. Now we should go before your mother gets worried.” Her father starts to lead her out of the room, but the man takes her by the arm, and turns her to face him once again.   


His eyes are fierce, though still twinged with heartbreak. “Look at me and tell me you don't know me. That you don't remember what we’ve been through. I know that the woman I love is still here, and I refuse to leave this place without her.”

“You - you love me?”   


“I always have and always will.”

Amalah’s face crumples and she falls to her knees. The man is there to catch her, and memories start to flood her mind.   


_ Her home being overrun. Hearing her mother's screams as she's fleeing the castle. Meeting each and every one of her companions. Kissing Alistair for the first time. Spending the night together. Saving the queen. Killing Howe.   
_

It all comes back in full force, and she starts to sob. The man, no, Alistair is holding her close and she realizes just what a fool she's been, and just how close to dying she truly was.   


She looks over at her ‘father’ and glares fiercely at him, the glisten of tears still in her eyes.

“I'm done being used by you. It's time to end this.”   


The sneer on her father's face feels alien, and it breaks her heart just a little bit more.

“Yes, let's end this, Warden. All of you will die here!”

Hearing those words coming out of her father's face fills her with more agony than she thought was possible.   


The illusion fades away, and all that's left is the sickly green environment of the Fade and a Desire demon and several shades. It's enough to make her fall to her knees but, as always, Alistair is there to keep her steady through this.   


It still hurts like hell, though.

But her eyes are clear, and she won't look away even as she has to kill her family again.

They fight, and it's tough, but they prevail, and as she runs her sword through the last of them, she can't help but whisper an apology.

“I - I’m  _ sorry _ . I never wanted things to end this way.”

She's crying again, and she can feel the looks that both of her companions are sending her, but she doesn't acknowledge them.   


She straightens her back, squares her shoulders, and simply says, “Let's go.”

The Fade starts to dissipate as magical energies gather around them to bring them back to the real world.   


Amalah can't help but glance back one final time, and whispers a solemn, mournful, “ _ Goodbye.” _

\---

When they return to themselves, the first thing Alistair does is look for Amalah. His breath catches in his throat as he sees her, sitting up under her own power for the first time in three days. He's almost dizzy with the relief he feels. She's immediately surrounded by their companions, who can't hold back how relieved they are to see her.   


She laughs weakly, saying, “Sorry to have worried you guys. I’m back. I promise I won't go anywhere that you can't follow again.”

That inspires tears from Leliana and Zevran both, and Amalah finds herself wrapped up in hugs yet again.

After they finally let go, she asks for some time alone. He knows that she probably needs the space, but his heart rebels against the idea of her being too far away from him.   


So he follows her.   


He knows that she knows that he's right behind her.

She turns to look at him and whispers, “Please. I - all I want is to be left alone right now.”

He knows that, and he won’t let her retreat into herself again. “I know, but I also know that no one deserves to be alone after something like this. Least of all you.”

That earns him an indignant scoff, and she whips around to face him, a fierce glare on her face. “What I  _ deserve,  _ huh?” She laughs, and it’s bitter and as sharp as her blade. “I  _ deserved  _ to die right alongside them! Why should I get to live, when they died, huh? The Maker sure must have a cruel sense of humor. Not only do I get to watch them all die, I get to draw the blade myself!

“What I  _ deserve  _ is,” sobs start to wrack her frame as her glare fades, and her expression shifts to one of anguish, “- is for you to have left me there to fade away.” She falls to her knees, and her chest is heaving with the force of her sobs.

All he can do is listen as all her bitterness and anguish and guilt is laid out in the open. He can empathize with the guilt she’s feeling, as he’s felt some of the same since Ostagar. It still manages to cut into him as deep as the sharpest sword. He feels helpless in the face of her grief, but for her, he tries his damnedest.

He falls to his knees in front of her, and cups her face in his hands. “Amalah, look at me. Do you know what I see when I look at you? I see someone who’s gone through so much, and yet is trying  _ so hard  _ to do what’s right. Even when it hurts, even when it seems impossible. You never give up, and that indomitable spirit of yours is what made me fall in love with you. You are stronger than your guilt, and you do not deserve to be punished for living. Your family may be gone, and Maker knows I wish they weren’t, but there are people here that still love you so very much. You can count me as the first of those. We won’t ever let you forget that, Amalah, and that is something you can trust in.”

She’s looking at him with a look he’s never seen on her face before. There’s a wonder in her eyes that he thinks was extinguished the day her family was murdered. She smiles weakly up at him, and exhales loudly. “What I  _ don’t  _ deserve is to be loved by you.”

Alistair makes an indignant noise in the back of his throat, that’s silenced by the gentle press of her lips against his.

“I know what you’re going to say, but it’s true. I’m not as good of a person as you think I am. You know, I only joined the Grey Wardens as a means to an end? Not to stop the Blight, or anything. Didn’t care about that. All I wanted was my revenge.”

She huffs another bitter laugh. “Awful, right? I figured that joining would lead me closer to finding that bastard Howe, and look at that, I was right.”

She lowers her head, and whispers softly, “Somehow the ‘I told you so’ just feels meaningless.”

Alistair sighs deeply. “Do you think that I’d judge you for finding a way to cope with what had happened? If joining the Wardens helped you even a little, then that’s something that I can be proud of.”

He pulls Amalah into his arms, and places a kiss to the top of her head. “Don’t run away from me. Let me help you,  _ please. _ ”

All Amalah can do is nod into his chest, feeling that suffocating feeling that’s been haunting her since Howe finally explode, and sobs turn into screams, and she feels Alistair’s arms tighten around her.

She lets it all out. She tells him about the night her family was taken from her. She tells him how it felt knowing that their murderer would walk away with no consequence, and how she vowed then and there to kill him herself. She tells him about the Fade, and that everything hurt so much in the material world, that she was willing to do anything if only she could experience a glimpse of the happiness she once had, and how it had almost cost her everything.

He never lets her go, not once, through the hours it takes to vent all her feelings, and she knows.

She’s irrevocably in love with Alistair Theirin, and it scares the  _ shit  _ out of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all i gotta say is, good luck Alistair.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope yall are ready for some fade adventures! Which basically means more angst and demons! :)


End file.
